Tuesday, November 22, 2011

More Photo's

I found some more photo's that I haven't put up yet... included is a shot of Logan in his casket. I hope to post more photo's of the service when I receive them from people... enjoy...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Last Post

This evening Evan and I did something we hadn't done in many, many months... we watched T.V. Such a random, mundane act, that brought a great sense of guilt to me... I had only buried my son yesterday, and yet somehow, I was able to watch telly... the punches in the stomach seem to come out of the blue now... in the beginning they were non-stop between periods of numbness, but now they leap from unexpected places to take my breath away and make my vision go blurry.

Today I also watched a gift that I was given from Logan's drama class... a DVD of Logan doing class performances... I was so proud... his joy on the stage was unmistakable, and I wish we had been able to see more. But more than anything, the gift they gave me was his voice.  I have cried so much because I cannot remember it... and now I will always have it. They also gave us a book of photos... some drama and others personal.... these brought tears as there were many I had not seen before.

Evan and I are not sure when we will take down our tribute table to Logan.  It is something that we will have to do, but will take time and courage.  In the meantime, we will still light candles for him smile at his photos.  I guess at some point I should vacuum his bedroom, if only for hygiene reasons, but I haven't been able to go in there since he left home... it could be a while away.

I would like to ask a favour... There were several people taking photo's yesterday, including a young man about Logan's age.  If you know who this is, could you please have him contact us as we would like a copy of the photo's that he took.  And if anyone else has photo's please forward them to us c/- Knighton Normal School, Knighton Rd, Hamilton.


Evan and I have so many people to thank... we don't want to embarrass anyone, so we thought it best to list what we are grateful for... Logan always told us we should look for the good in life and in people...

Thanks to the people and companies who:
  • provided wood for our deck
  • built the deck
  • did the plumbing in the bathroom
  • did the walls of the bathroom
  • did the building in the bathroom
  • put lino on the bathroom floor
  • did newspaper articles on our son/s
  • gave us the money to bring Logan home
  • made us meals
  • made the kids meals
  • gave us food vouchers
  • gave us petrol vouchers
  • gave me a new cell phone
  • looked after my chickens
  • looked after our turtles
  • gave us time off work
  • gave my husband a million days leave in advance
  • let us cry on your shoulders
  • gave me breaks in hospital
  • drove all the way to Auckland just to say hello
  • made donations towards Logan's funeral costs
  • brought our parents to visit
  • sent mail
  • drew pictures
  • sent packages from home
  • and made our boy feel so loved....
From the bottom of our hearts, Evan and I say thankyou to everyone who has supported Logan and our family through this last year... we are truly honoured to call you our friends and although Logan's Journey has now come to an end, we are only just beginning ours.

Although we may post photo's here, this is the last written post.

Good night and God Bless
Until we talk again
Tracy and Evan Roose
along with Brad, Charlotte and Amanda.

Balloons over the lake

After all was said and done yesterday, the family went down to the lake that Logan loved so much, and released balloons in his name... we hope you enjoy these shots courtesy of Logan's Poppa Doug...

Logan's resting place

Evan and I went out to see Logan's resting place this morning... We took a huge lump of quartz that we had found on one of our family adventures and placed it at the head of his bed. The roses that were place there are beautiful and his area is tidy, with a little glitter still coating the ground.

Evan and I both agreed, that although our boy now sleeps there, we do not feel him there... he is, and always will be, at home with us.

We are still lighting his candles at home. His remembrance table counts 65 cards and it continues to grow. Our numbness is beginning to crack again and moments of pain or joy are creeping through... we are told we will find our new normal... we are not sure if this is true, or if we even want to... but Logan continues to smile at us from his photo and tell us... it's going to be ok...

Overwhelmed and Surprised

Evan and I sat down this morning with our breakfast and picked up the black sheets of paper that we had people sign... OMG! as Logan would have said... there were so many...

The surprising part, was the number of people there that we hadn't even had the chance to say hello to, the people from years ago, old teachers, physio, doctors, fellow cancer patients that we had met in Starship, kindy friends that had lost touch... so many people...

Logan loved, and was loved by so many people....

If you did not get an opportunity to sign the pages, please stop by the house... we would like to have as many memories as possible before we have it bound...

More to come in later postings...

Tracy and Evan

A note from Uncle Dean...

Uncle Dean lives in Auckland... when Logan was diagnosed last year he told friends and people he worked with and would casually pass on the details of the blog...

The blog began to take on a life of its own. And towards the end, had an extensive following...

Evan and I have been overwhelmed by the generosity of the  following people and companies in Auckland, many who we do not even know, who are helping to contribute toward the costs we are about to face:

Grant and Jan Ford
D & N Sealesford - Fox Property Maintenance
Rotary Club of North Harbour
Brendan & EJ Scott
The Staff of Lochores Rental Office - Birkenhead
Harry Williams (Auckland Property Management)
Tony Keene
Peter & Lisa Taylor
Richard & Nadine Redfearn
Deon & Lara Boonzaier
Grant Lendich
Darren Roberts & Jacqui Oliviar

Together they have contributed over $2,200.  Evan and I would like to thank you so much... 
Dean tells us that there may be more... if we are unable to thank you today, please known that you are in our hearts... We will be posting the last post this evening, and will continue to place updates as we go through the day...

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Comfortably numb

I have laid on my bed for the past hour looking out the window, watching the sun set.  The lounge was too noisy, and the children too hard to look at.  Everywhere I looked was pain...

I am told today was wonderful, memorable, honorable... it is all a bit of a blur. Pain arrived in waves today, beginning with the arrival of Pellows. Looking at my boys' face for the last time and placing his treasures around him as close friends and family stood by.  We gently bent the lid of his casket to form a cover over him.  It was painted with birds and flowers that I hope he likes.

Uncle Peter blessed Logan whilst we stood around the hearse and then we made a small procession down to the lake, where I told him how much I loved him, and then drove him to his service.

As we neared Knighton, we began to realise that love for Logan had no bounds... the streets were lined with cars, and the courts and staff carpark were full as well.  People were everywhere... familiar faces and new grouped together in a montage of love.

Brad, Charlotte, Tom, Rose, Amanda and Alex gently took Logan from the vehicle and we followed them inside... the crowd of people took our breath away... It had been hard to hold back the emotions, but to see all these people who had come to see our boy, and pay tribute to his life, was truly overwhelming.  I am sorry to say, that faces blurred into one another, and I couldn't even begin to know how many people were there.  Some jumped out from the crowd, but the crowd was so big, and I just didn't know where to look. 

Our boy was settled at the front of the hall, sideways, so that all could see his lovely casket... and his photo's that we placed on top.  Balloons floated on either side. 

Evan and I would like to express our grateful thanks to Paul Stevens who led the remembrance for us.  We are so grateful to you... Logan respected you so much.  I would like to thank everyone who spoke so kindly of Logan... there were so many of you, that I daren't put any names in case I forget any, but please know that you are all treasured.

The songs that were sung were special to us.  Seasons of Love, is from Logan's favourite musical Rent. And Logan himself, chose the other two - Always look on the bright side of life, and Danny Boy. 

Afterwards, at Newstead (Oak Lawn), Uncle Peter (Edmonds) officiated for us, and read the inspirational poem Desiderata... then as they lowered our boy, Charlee read another poem... This was another one of those painful, knife in the chest, moments... It was at this point that the numbness began to creep in... 

Glitter was sprinkled onto his casket, and then after I released my dolphin into the air, 50 other coloured balloons, were released by the children at young people standing there... such a beautiful sight.... We sat on the ground around Logan and place more glitter on him and talked, then out of the quiet rose the voices of two singing angels... Ellyn and Jolene sang in harmony a beautiful waiata for our boy... the sun came out and we felt the peace... it was time to move on...

We returned to the hall, where Uncle Peter blessed our family and welcomed us back, along with blessing the kai. So much food.... it was never ending... we were honored that people would bring so much...

Our kind Junat friends, who had set up the hall, also tidied up afterwards along with other dear friends who do not like to be named... whilst we headed back to the lake with balloons for Logan... family released these privately, for our boy...

I have no photo's to post today, I am hoping to have some up tomorrow if I can get them from people.  There will be several posts tomorrow... you will know when the last post is up... but the blog will remain open for reading indefinitely...

Evan and I are alone now... the house is quiet... everyone is out... we are comfortably numb...

Saturday morning

I woke at 7am this morning... knowing this is our boy's last day with us... it hurts... in a physical sense.... my chest is tight and I constantly feel as though I am about to dissolve... 

We know that family will begin to arrive soon.  Evan busies himself by cleaning... I just don't care... I have organised everything that I can control... the heavens are showering us with glorious sunshine, and I feel that Logan is happy today. We have received so many flowers, that the local courier shares a sad smile with us every time he comes by. The mailbox has never been so full.  We received a letter today, handwritten, from someone who didn't even sign their name... it was beautiful...

My constant worry is that I will embarrass our boy, who was so strong when we were not... and I guess I know that the reality is, he knows me better that I know myself, and will half be expecting it.

Our pantry is full of food. Friends have come by with bags of groceries, as have Canteen and CCF.  

Today, we will take Logan for a drive to the lake, to sit for one last time, looking over the water. Our treasured son who asked for absolutely nothing, and yet gave so much!

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Evening before Logan's Farewell

Exhaustion begins to set in now.... Evan and I are slowly coming to terms with Logan's passing, and are coping better, but the emotional and physical strength it takes to be wrapped in so much love, every day, is quite incredible.  It is 8.45pm and for the first time this week, we are alone in house without guests before 10pm... We have loved having them here. They having taken the sting out of our loss, bringing laughter and joy back into our lives, when we didn't think there was any.  But I am hugged out... and yet there is more to come...

Today, in gaps, we finalised all of Logan's plans for tomorrow... Charlee designed the Order of Service and organised for Nell to print it off. Brad collated the background music and the three special songs.  Charlee also scanned many, many photo's and along with Brad's music, delivered to to our friend Rochelle to be popped onto a school laptop.

Logan's casket arrived today, and with the help of friends and family, Logan was gently placed in the last bed he will ever sleep in.  It is a beautiful design, and we hope that he would approve.  An environmentally friendly casket that was hand picked by Brad and Charlee, especially to suit his personality... lined with sheepskin...

We held two brief meetings today... one with Paul, who will run our service for us.  He is a long time family friend who does Logan a great honour.  They get along so well. And the other will Uncle Peter, who will be performing the committal.  We know that Logan would be please to have friends and family take his service.  

We have tried at all times, to keep this remembrance run by people who know and love Logan... not wanting strangers to talk of our son who is so precious to us... We think we have done the right thing... We hope he would approve.

The only thing that we did not do this for was the waitress staff, as we want everyone to come and enjoy the day.  We are so grateful that people will be bringing plates of food, as we have no idea how many will come, and would not want to under cater, but we have tried to make sure that we have many different varieties of drink...

It is easy to waffle about things that don't really mean much... in reality I know that tonight is the last night with my baby... and tomorrow I will have to let him go for good.... Unlike Logan I have beliefs... I pray that I will have the strength to let him go when the time comes and not embarrass him... I pray that I will not break and shatter into a million pieces that will never come back together again.... and I pray that this pain will ease one day... I am not as strong as my boy and I just don't think I can control it forever.

Sometimes when I lay awake at night, my mind races uncontrollably.  My biggest fear is that I will forget... forget the little things that are Logan... his quirky smile, his sparkling eyes, his kind and patient manner, his voice... already I struggle to remember his voice.... it is frightening... 

Thank god for the photos... I pray they will be enough...

A photo page

Some photo's of Logan's last days and some since... there will be some shots that include Logan since he has past. Please know this, and that they are put here at the request of those who love him.  Should they be too difficult to look at, neither he, nor us, will be offended... 


The night before he passed

An hour before he left us... Charlee and I waited at his side

When he left us, Charlee climbed onto his bed and held him for the last time... we could no longer hurt him

Uncle Dean gives his love

Our Angel, finally at peace

Rosemary held his hand and cried

Charlee and Rose place his badge on the wall at Starship, to commemorate the end of his journey