Time begins to race...

Why is it that when you want time to slow down... it speeds up! The time is 1.15am and it is my shift to stay up with Logan.  We have decided that he will not be alone any more, and this means one person awake at all times.  An incident this evening made this even more important... 

For some unusual reason, Evan and I were still awake at 11.30ish.  Rosemary, Tania, and Charlotte, had all headed down to RMcD house for the night.  To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how it all started... maybe Logan's breathing was heavier, or his movements a little strange... I'm not certain, but something wasn't right.

We insisted on the doctor being called.  Within five minutes, Logan had lost his speech, and all movement and feeling on his right hand side.  He was groaning and grunting and we feared the worst.  We sent for the others and held on as best we could.  Logan kept pointing toward the window and groaning.  We thought he was asking for Rosie, but we could not pacify him.  Finally, I took a good look in that direction, and realised he was asking for his drink bottle...

The nurses were reluctant to let him drink, but I thought damn it... If he was going to go, he was going to go out in style... so I let him drink.  I tried to get him to take it slow, but his left hand was strong and kept pulling the bottle back.  

Tania arrived with Charlee and Rose in tow.  We all gathered around as the docs poked and prodded.  Ward nurses came and went.  Tears ebbed and flowed.  After a while, I called a halt to the tears and said enough was enough. Logan doesn't approve of tears and there would not be any.

A short time after that, Logan grunted something to me... then he repeated it. Charlotte removed his mask so we could hear him better... he said "you didn't give me enough drink".  He was back! Things improved from there.  His feeling came back bit by bit, till he regained it all.  His breathing is still very bad, with fluid build up not shifting no matter what they do.

The doctor said one of two things may of happened. Either he had a bleed on the brain... which is possible as his red cells were down, and so were his platelets, or his tumour on the brain is affecting nerves.  Apparently elderly people can have these 'episodes' which correct themselves all the time. 

The only treatment they can give for his breathing is morphine, which will relax him so that he doesn't worry so much about trying to catch his breath all the time... I didn't even consider this could be an issue... fighting for breath... 

I look at him, trying hard to sleep, but probably afraid to.  He did ask the doctor if it was safe to sleep... I promised him then that one of us would stay up with him at all times. The doctor said that sleep could  only help... I hope so. 

Tomorrow we had planned a trip outside with him, in his bed, to the domain.  It seems like every time I plan something, it falls flat! I don't want it to end here... We have been in contact with people in the hospital at Waikato and they are going to call people up here, to see if they can arrange the transfer.  I spoke to Logan today, and he said that he will stay in Auckland, if the journey home could shorten his life. So we will be guided by his wishes.

A thank you goes out to Uncle Dean, who popped in for a visit earlier this evening, even though he couldn't stay for long. Logan tired too quickly and kicked his uncle out! No offence was taken, and Uncle Dean promised to stop by for another visit soon. 

Logan has been flooded with texts and posts on my fb from people who send their love and expressions of anger and sadness at his situation.  He had received many requests for permission to visit... he is happy to see people, but only for short periods. He tires too quickly even without talking now. Please let us know if you are coming, so that we don't over load on one day... We don't want to have to turn anyone away...

As I look around the room, at 2am, I see Evan laying on the fold down bed, pretending to sleep, Charlee sits/lays in a typical, red waiting room chair, whilst also leaning against Logan's bed.  Logan looks the most peaceful that he has all night. He has given himself several bolus of morphine to help settle his breathing... spoke too soon.  Just woke up mumbling... and when I questioned him he said he thought we had visitors from Canteen.  This is the morphine doing it's thing... he often sees or hears stuff that he calls his other reality... funny for us, but frustrating for him.

The other issue for Logan is a persistent cough that he has.  It is not an infection, but rather a collection of fluid in his chest.  This gets quite intense at times, making breathing even harder.  Periods without coughing are worth gold... he is so exhausted that he needs all the rest he can get.

I need to give him his insulin now so had better sign off... 

Bless you all,

TTFN

Tracy

p.s. sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes... I is a bit tired!