Hmmm... How is Logan today?
Exhausted, wracked by cramps, grumpy, scared, anxious, sleepy, dry, disillusioned.... to say but a few
At the 11th hour yesterday, surgery was postponed... It left Logan with the smiliest face I have seen him wear in a long time, making me realise just how much he was dreading this particular procedure.
Another restless night followed, and somewhere in the 3-4am period, his nurse Nikki, bless her, formed a pact with Logan and they omitted me from the rest of the night, working together to get Logan to the bathroom etc. It was much appreciated.
Evan arrived (unbeknownst to me) at around 6.30am, and woke me at 8am, saying they were taking Logan to theatre... the ward had been given no notice and our poor nurse was running around in a flutter. Within a 15 minute time span, we needed to take his blood sugar level, inject him with the required amount of insulin, get his cycosporin running (immune suppressant drug), weight him, and put up platelets to counter his low amount.
In retrospect, this was never going to happen... In the middle of it all, Logan got tummy cramps which sent him back to the bathroom. He was there at least half an hour whilst the rest of us were still trying to do what was needed around him.
They finally called it off, as the platelets were not going to get here quickly... This was the second postponement for him, and I dont know if he was happy or relieved. It took us a long time to get him rallied for it. The severity of his diarrhea is giving him anxiety on the transport side of things and the after care following the surgery.
Meanwhile, we were recovering from all this, when Logan asks when he can have his next dose of Buscapan, as the cramps are getting worse... Only to discover that tho he is due it now, they cant give it for another hour as the other meds are running behind and there is no free line space....
Now picture this... you are at the zoo... you are looking at a lioness in a cage with her cub... a hyena comes on the scene... the lioness becomes enraged and protective... rationale not always playing part in her thinking... need I go on...
For Logan's sake, I maintained decorum, but only just, and whilst he was out of earshot, I let rip to Evan just what I thought of this ###### hospital and it ###### rules and ###### service....
Ironically I felt much better after that, and just to prove that someone upstairs does listen, my favourite nurse (Carl) who is co-ordinating the shift today, came in with the buscapan, stopping his TPN feed... honestly a no-brainer...
And accordingly, Logan sleeps... We have been told that we will have little or no notice again when he is called, which again begs the question... how the hell do they get the platelets into him????? They don't want to do it until he is on his way down, as this will give him the freshest possible amount in his system during the surgery.
Oh... did I happen to mention that most of the staff (not Carl) are giving me a wide berth today?
The shortened version (except you know I don't do short):
Yesterday and the day before, I had several staff members and 'support' people from CCF, social workers, nurses, etc, talk to me 'gently' about taking a break from caring for Logan... Maybe going to RMcD house, or taking a walk, or something... they said it would do me good... they said I needed to get out and have a break from Logan... THEY SAID IT IN FRONT OF LOGAN!
By the end of yesterday, and having received yet another 'chat' I lost the plot with the head of the transplant team... (oops), explaining that my son was my top priority and, who was I going to leave him with, and that if I did leave, it would be to spend time with my husband, taking me back to the question of who will look after Logan? They have put him back onto nurses who have 2 or 3 patients... so sometimes the nurses are busy, and then at break time, they can have 4 - 7 patients...
I basically explained that I wasn't leaving my son unless he was with someone he both trusted and was also able to give him 1 - 1 caring. I also explained that it was 'jolly bad form' to discuss this in front of Logan, as they had all done (he as in the bathroom as I whispered/hissed this), and that they might like to take that to their meeting and discuss it (as apparently I had been a topic of conversation at their team meetings)...
By the time they left... sanity had long since left my head and it took quite some time to return. Logan relies on me to keep to wolves at bay... to stop them from waking him, to check the meds they give him, to get him to the toilet, to keep him warm, to meet his personal needs and so much more...
What we are going through is short term... it is not permanent... and as with raising teenagers, I am not here to make friends, just to do the best job I can... They got that at Waikato... they would do good to get it here too!
I leave this with you... stand up for your beliefs... if they harm no-one and especially if they protect someone... and super especially, if that someone is unable to protect themselves...
I would like to give an all encompassing thank you, to everyone who has been, and continues to, be there for us... my Waikato family is irreplaceable. At this stage in his treatment, Logan is not as aware of how much strength we gain from you love, as he just struggles to get through each day with a semblance of dignity and sanity. But Evan and I know... we are humbled by your love, your prayers, and your practical help...
Thanks to Jill who is on her way up to give me some support on the ward today and tonight so I can spend some time with Evan, knowing that Logan is be safe. Thanks to Janaya, who is cooking Brad his favourite meal. Thanks to Nana and Grandad in Te Awamutu who ring constantly, sharing their love and understanding our anxieties... and planning our Christmas dinner together... Thanks to all the people coming this weekend to see Logan... some who are staying at RMcD house, and others who are stopping in. Thanks....
Until we chat again
TTFN
Tracy
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