Saturday morning

I woke at 7am this morning... knowing this is our boy's last day with us... it hurts... in a physical sense.... my chest is tight and I constantly feel as though I am about to dissolve... 

We know that family will begin to arrive soon.  Evan busies himself by cleaning... I just don't care... I have organised everything that I can control... the heavens are showering us with glorious sunshine, and I feel that Logan is happy today. We have received so many flowers, that the local courier shares a sad smile with us every time he comes by. The mailbox has never been so full.  We received a letter today, handwritten, from someone who didn't even sign their name... it was beautiful...

My constant worry is that I will embarrass our boy, who was so strong when we were not... and I guess I know that the reality is, he knows me better that I know myself, and will half be expecting it.

Our pantry is full of food. Friends have come by with bags of groceries, as have Canteen and CCF.  

Today, we will take Logan for a drive to the lake, to sit for one last time, looking over the water. Our treasured son who asked for absolutely nothing, and yet gave so much!

The Evening before Logan's Farewell

Exhaustion begins to set in now.... Evan and I are slowly coming to terms with Logan's passing, and are coping better, but the emotional and physical strength it takes to be wrapped in so much love, every day, is quite incredible.  It is 8.45pm and for the first time this week, we are alone in house without guests before 10pm... We have loved having them here. They having taken the sting out of our loss, bringing laughter and joy back into our lives, when we didn't think there was any.  But I am hugged out... and yet there is more to come...

Today, in gaps, we finalised all of Logan's plans for tomorrow... Charlee designed the Order of Service and organised for Nell to print it off. Brad collated the background music and the three special songs.  Charlee also scanned many, many photo's and along with Brad's music, delivered to to our friend Rochelle to be popped onto a school laptop.

Logan's casket arrived today, and with the help of friends and family, Logan was gently placed in the last bed he will ever sleep in.  It is a beautiful design, and we hope that he would approve.  An environmentally friendly casket that was hand picked by Brad and Charlee, especially to suit his personality... lined with sheepskin...

We held two brief meetings today... one with Paul, who will run our service for us.  He is a long time family friend who does Logan a great honour.  They get along so well. And the other will Uncle Peter, who will be performing the committal.  We know that Logan would be please to have friends and family take his service.  

We have tried at all times, to keep this remembrance run by people who know and love Logan... not wanting strangers to talk of our son who is so precious to us... We think we have done the right thing... We hope he would approve.

The only thing that we did not do this for was the waitress staff, as we want everyone to come and enjoy the day.  We are so grateful that people will be bringing plates of food, as we have no idea how many will come, and would not want to under cater, but we have tried to make sure that we have many different varieties of drink...

It is easy to waffle about things that don't really mean much... in reality I know that tonight is the last night with my baby... and tomorrow I will have to let him go for good.... Unlike Logan I have beliefs... I pray that I will have the strength to let him go when the time comes and not embarrass him... I pray that I will not break and shatter into a million pieces that will never come back together again.... and I pray that this pain will ease one day... I am not as strong as my boy and I just don't think I can control it forever.

Sometimes when I lay awake at night, my mind races uncontrollably.  My biggest fear is that I will forget... forget the little things that are Logan... his quirky smile, his sparkling eyes, his kind and patient manner, his voice... already I struggle to remember his voice.... it is frightening... 

Thank god for the photos... I pray they will be enough...

A photo page

Some photo's of Logan's last days and some since... there will be some shots that include Logan since he has past. Please know this, and that they are put here at the request of those who love him.  Should they be too difficult to look at, neither he, nor us, will be offended... 

Arohanui

The night before he passed

An hour before he left us... Charlee and I waited at his side

When he left us, Charlee climbed onto his bed and held him for the last time... we could no longer hurt him

Uncle Dean gives his love

Our Angel, finally at peace

Rosemary held his hand and cried

 FAMILY ARRIVED

Charlee and Rose place his badge on the wall at Starship, to commemorate the end of his journey

Two nights at home

Hello again,
My apologies for not posting yesterday... I always seemed to be in someones arms in some room of the house, right up till bedtime!
We have been home for two nights now and life seems strangely surreal. Sometimes I not sure if I am dreaming and will wake up soon, or if everything before was a dream, and that we have never even been to hospital... but I guess that is the reality of grief.... We are for all intense purposes, unstable!

Visitors, friends and whanau have come and gone, some staying minutes, others hours.  They all leave a little piece of themselves. Logan lies in peace in his room, whilst in the lounge, flowers, candles and other memorabilia adorn our dining table in the lounge.  A notice went into the papers today... I think we asked for Waikato Times and the Herald, but it's all a bit of a blur.

By some form of magic, our fridge and pantry have filled themselves, and our home is constantly being cleaned. We are blessed with the best friends.

Logan's Remembrance Service will be held on Saturday 19/11/11 at 1pm in Knighton Normal School Hall. Followed by his burial at 3pm at Newstead.


Logan did not want people being somber and crying around him.  So in true Logan style....


- Please wear bright clothing
- If you have a t-shirt with a funny slogan please wear it
- And/or ...If you have a flannel shirt, you can wear that!
- Jeans are more than OK!


Could you please bring a plate of food to share, for refreshments, these will be held in the staffroom, until after the remembrance.


Coffe, tea, and cold drinks, will be provided.


DONOT, bring any food or drink into the hall whilst Logan is in there out of respect to the family.


Once Logan leaves, a blessing will be said over the hall, and on our return, another said to bless our family, before we re-enter the building.


The service will not have any religious moments apart from this as per Logan's wishes.


We would love everyone to come back to the hall after the burial to help us to continue to remember him...


In lieu of flowers, as per Logan's wishes, a donation can be left at the service for Ronald McDonald House.  He had planned to go back to do fund-raising for them.


Logan will continue to stay home with us until Saturday.  Before the service, family will take him for a drive around his favourite spots, and then bring him to his Knighton.  Please feel free to come by at any time and visit him, and/or share a meal with us.  You are always welcome in our home.

We are home....

This evening we arrived home... Logan will be joining us tomorrow afternoon. We have decided to have his remembrance on Saturday... details will follow. Rosemary had the honour of accompanying him home...

I was so proud to be with our son at the end, along with Evan, Charlee, Tania and Rose.... He was strong till the end.  We miss him deeply and are grateful that we can have him at home for a few days until Saturday.

We will keep you posted on upcoming events. The last post of this blog will be this Sunday.... and as per Logan's wishes, we will publish it into a book.  Not sure how, but apparently it is an option with this service.

Thanks so much to all, for your love, kind thoughts, and condolences.

You are welcome to visit Logan at home at any time... he will be honoured to have you care.

Evan, Tracy, Brad and Charlotte.

The road home

This morning, Logan's breathing slowed, his pulse dropped, and he relaxed.
At 8.12am, all the pain stopped.
He's now watching over us all from heaven.
He will be in our hearts forever.
You were the best little brother a sister could ever ask for.
I love you always and you will never be far from my thoughts.
Your little big sister xoxoxo
Charlie

Time begins to race...

Why is it that when you want time to slow down... it speeds up! The time is 1.15am and it is my shift to stay up with Logan.  We have decided that he will not be alone any more, and this means one person awake at all times.  An incident this evening made this even more important... 

For some unusual reason, Evan and I were still awake at 11.30ish.  Rosemary, Tania, and Charlotte, had all headed down to RMcD house for the night.  To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how it all started... maybe Logan's breathing was heavier, or his movements a little strange... I'm not certain, but something wasn't right.

We insisted on the doctor being called.  Within five minutes, Logan had lost his speech, and all movement and feeling on his right hand side.  He was groaning and grunting and we feared the worst.  We sent for the others and held on as best we could.  Logan kept pointing toward the window and groaning.  We thought he was asking for Rosie, but we could not pacify him.  Finally, I took a good look in that direction, and realised he was asking for his drink bottle...

The nurses were reluctant to let him drink, but I thought damn it... If he was going to go, he was going to go out in style... so I let him drink.  I tried to get him to take it slow, but his left hand was strong and kept pulling the bottle back.  

Tania arrived with Charlee and Rose in tow.  We all gathered around as the docs poked and prodded.  Ward nurses came and went.  Tears ebbed and flowed.  After a while, I called a halt to the tears and said enough was enough. Logan doesn't approve of tears and there would not be any.

A short time after that, Logan grunted something to me... then he repeated it. Charlotte removed his mask so we could hear him better... he said "you didn't give me enough drink".  He was back! Things improved from there.  His feeling came back bit by bit, till he regained it all.  His breathing is still very bad, with fluid build up not shifting no matter what they do.

The doctor said one of two things may of happened. Either he had a bleed on the brain... which is possible as his red cells were down, and so were his platelets, or his tumour on the brain is affecting nerves.  Apparently elderly people can have these 'episodes' which correct themselves all the time. 

The only treatment they can give for his breathing is morphine, which will relax him so that he doesn't worry so much about trying to catch his breath all the time... I didn't even consider this could be an issue... fighting for breath... 

I look at him, trying hard to sleep, but probably afraid to.  He did ask the doctor if it was safe to sleep... I promised him then that one of us would stay up with him at all times. The doctor said that sleep could  only help... I hope so. 

Tomorrow we had planned a trip outside with him, in his bed, to the domain.  It seems like every time I plan something, it falls flat! I don't want it to end here... We have been in contact with people in the hospital at Waikato and they are going to call people up here, to see if they can arrange the transfer.  I spoke to Logan today, and he said that he will stay in Auckland, if the journey home could shorten his life. So we will be guided by his wishes.

A thank you goes out to Uncle Dean, who popped in for a visit earlier this evening, even though he couldn't stay for long. Logan tired too quickly and kicked his uncle out! No offence was taken, and Uncle Dean promised to stop by for another visit soon. 

Logan has been flooded with texts and posts on my fb from people who send their love and expressions of anger and sadness at his situation.  He had received many requests for permission to visit... he is happy to see people, but only for short periods. He tires too quickly even without talking now. Please let us know if you are coming, so that we don't over load on one day... We don't want to have to turn anyone away...

As I look around the room, at 2am, I see Evan laying on the fold down bed, pretending to sleep, Charlee sits/lays in a typical, red waiting room chair, whilst also leaning against Logan's bed.  Logan looks the most peaceful that he has all night. He has given himself several bolus of morphine to help settle his breathing... spoke too soon.  Just woke up mumbling... and when I questioned him he said he thought we had visitors from Canteen.  This is the morphine doing it's thing... he often sees or hears stuff that he calls his other reality... funny for us, but frustrating for him.

The other issue for Logan is a persistent cough that he has.  It is not an infection, but rather a collection of fluid in his chest.  This gets quite intense at times, making breathing even harder.  Periods without coughing are worth gold... he is so exhausted that he needs all the rest he can get.

I need to give him his insulin now so had better sign off... 

Bless you all,

TTFN

Tracy

p.s. sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes... I is a bit tired!